Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
