Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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