I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
