its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
