I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
