You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
