I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
