I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
