i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Holy sore nipples Batman
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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