Where is the hickey?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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