Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
