if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
