sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
