i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
