Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
