laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
