Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
tequila makes me forget i have legs
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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