please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
