i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
