tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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