Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
