you're like a bully in the Christmas story
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
