I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
