for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
