Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Vodka?
Forever.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
