first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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