your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
