Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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