Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
