the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
