You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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