so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
