Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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