do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
