you guys were way drunker than both of me
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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