So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
