this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
