Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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