theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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