If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
