I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
