Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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