I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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