I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
