I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
