Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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