girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
