Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
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