i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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