Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
